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Author Topic: Christian Humor II  (Read 4597 times)

Blade

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Christian Humor II
« on: September 05, 2003, 03:20:18 AM »
One Sunday morning the pastor noticed a young man standing and staring at a large plaque hanging in the church foyer; the pastor walked over to the young man and bid him 'good morning'; the young man replied 'good morning, pastor' and not taking his eyes off the plaque asked 'sir, what is this?'; the pastor answered 'these are all the people who have died in the service'; soberly the two stood there before the plaque and after a long silence the young man asked 'which service sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?'.

Blade

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Re: Christian Humor II
« Reply #1 on: September 11, 2003, 08:34:22 AM »
Bulletin Bloopers and Blunders

(A compilation of actual Church Bulletin and Service bloopers)


* Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
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* Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.

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* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

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* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

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* Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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* Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's use the program herself and has been growing like crazy!

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* The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

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* This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

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* Tuesday at 4:00 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

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* Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mother's Club. All ladies wishing to become "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.

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* The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

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* Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and do so.

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* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

Blade

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Re: Christian Humor II
« Reply #2 on: September 11, 2003, 08:40:20 AM »

More Bulletin Bloopers and Blunders

(A compilation of actual Church Bulletin and Service bloopers)

* Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

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* A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

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* 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

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*The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

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* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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* The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."

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* During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A.B. Doe supplied our pulpit.

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* The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

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* The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

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* The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet": in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

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* The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

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* Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

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* Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

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* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

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* The associate minister unveiled the church's new giving campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours."

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* "A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife."



Blade

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Re: Christian Humor II
« Reply #3 on: September 16, 2003, 08:36:51 AM »
"Top 10 Ways of Knowing You've Joined the Wrong Church"


10. The Pastor refers to God only as "Jehovah" and constantly exhorts the congregation to "witness"

9. New members are required to submit W-2's for the last 10 years.

8. Pastor regularly attends meeting at Las Vegas and Atlantic City.

7. The media refers to the church facilities as a "compound".

6. You discover the church refers to the 10 commandments as the 10 suggestions.

5. The Women's Quartet are all married to the pastor.

4. The chancel cross has been replaced with a bronze pyramid.

3. Pastor preaches an eloquent sermon on ancient heresies and the elders want to make them part of the doctrinal statement.

2. The New Member's kit includes a Bible, church-by-laws, and an UZI.

1. The Pastoral Search Committee announces that they discovered a problem with their one good candidate-she's divorced.


Marko Jauhiainen

Blade

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Re: Christian Humor II
« Reply #4 on: September 16, 2003, 08:39:38 AM »
The Things Kids say

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus?

 The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"



Blade

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Re: Christian Humor II
« Reply #5 on: September 24, 2003, 07:03:56 AM »
A man: God, how much is a million dollars to you?

God: It is but a penny.

A man: God, how long is a million years to you?

God: It is but a second.

A man: God, could you please give me a penny?

God: Sure, just a second.

andreas

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Re: Christian Humor II
« Reply #6 on: September 26, 2003, 09:53:16 PM »
 
 

 

The preacher is dying.

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."
andreas. 8)
 
kai ean diabainhs dió udatos meta sou eimi kai potamoi ou sugklusousin se kai ean dielqhs dia puros ou mh katakauqhs flox ou katakausei Isaiah 43:2

 


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