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Author Topic: Christian Humor  (Read 17800 times)

Dan

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #45 on: August 01, 2003, 05:45:42 PM »
A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"


Blade

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Re: The Swearing Parrot
« Reply #46 on: August 02, 2003, 01:04:42 PM »
One day an elderly pastor confides in his parishioners that he's feeling a bit lonely and depressed. So one of the parishioners suggests to the pastor that he buy a pet. Thinking this a grand idea, the pastor hurries into town and after much deliberation, buys a parrot.
       
      Unfortunately not five minutes after arriving home, the parrot starts hurling a string of expletives at the pastor.
       
      After about an hour it gets to be too much, so the pastor walks up to the parrot, slaps him on the beak, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the parrot madder and he starts swearing at the pastor in even more colorful language.
       
      Finally the pastor has had it and says, "All right, that's it. Grabbing a blanket, the pastor throws it over the parrot's cage and screams, "Now, SHUT UP!" Well, this really irritates the parrot and he starts clawing and scratching at the bars of his cage. Finally the pastor removes the blanket. Immediately the parrot starts right in on the pastor again.
       
      By this time, the pastor is so infuriated that he grabs the parrot by the throat and throws him into the freezer. Well, the parrot starts swearing and thrashing about so loudly that the pastor is considering killing the bird. Just as he's thinking this, it gets very...very quiet.
       
      At first the pastor just stares at the refrigerator, but then he starts to think that the parrot might be seriously injured. He becomes so worried that he runs over to the refrigerator and throws open the freezer door.
       
      The parrot climbs out of the freezer, flaps the ice off his wings, and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I've caused you father. In the future, I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary."
       
      The pastor is astounded. He can't believe the sudden transformation that has come over the parrot. Finally the parrot turns to the pastor and says, "Um....by the way, what did the chicken do?"

Sportsnut

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #47 on: August 10, 2003, 03:55:04 PM »
Best way to annoy your friends.

Close one eye, look at your friend, hold a fork up to your open eye and tell them, "A-hah, I knew you'd end up in prison."

Glenda

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #48 on: August 11, 2003, 09:10:12 AM »
 :P
Horseback Riding
 
 A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons
 or prior experience.
 
 She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into
 motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde
begins to
 slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot
 
 seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's
neck, but
 she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
 Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from
the
 horse and throw herself to safety.  Unfortunately her foot has become
 entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding
hooves as
 her head is struck against
 the ground over and over.  As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away  unconsciousness when to her great fortune
 Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
And all the inhabitants of the earth [are] reputed as nothing: and he doeth according to his will in the army of heaven, and [among] the inhabitants of the earth: and none can stay his hand, or say unto him, What doest thou? Daniel 4:35

Chicago Bear

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #49 on: August 16, 2003, 09:19:52 AM »
 .

 


  Why don't the Chinese have Phone Books?


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                                  \/















Because, they have so many wengs and wongs they might weng the wong number!





Either the Bible will Keep you from Sin, or sin will keep you from the Bible

Peng Bao

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #50 on: August 16, 2003, 02:08:05 PM »

  Why don't the Chinese have Phone Books?
Because, they have so many wengs and wongs they might weng the wong number!


ROTFL!  and Pengs anf Jongs too!  :)
  Good one.



Blade

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #51 on: August 27, 2003, 09:01:39 AM »
A pastor, pacing back and forth, glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his wife, "Honey, are you ready yet?"

Shouting back, the woman replies, "For crying out loud, I've been telling you for the last hour and a half that I'll be ready in a minute!"



Glenda

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #52 on: September 02, 2003, 09:00:26 AM »
A Parable Of Our Time
A police officer pulled a man over for speeding and had the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my fifth DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But, come to think of it, I believe I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes, sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

 Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

The trunk was opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

(Found in "Preaching Today"- Citation: Anonymous)


Glenda ;)
And all the inhabitants of the earth [are] reputed as nothing: and he doeth according to his will in the army of heaven, and [among] the inhabitants of the earth: and none can stay his hand, or say unto him, What doest thou? Daniel 4:35

Erik Diamond

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #53 on: October 23, 2003, 05:50:08 PM »
LOL!!! Good one but I will not try to use this advice if police ever stops me.

Erik
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." (Isaiah 55:8-9)

Dwight

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #54 on: December 15, 2003, 06:04:50 AM »

LOL! Some of these are pretty funny.  :D

Blade

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Re: Christian Humor
« Reply #55 on: October 20, 2013, 12:51:48 AM »
Ill-Fitting Boots

There was a teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on.  He asked for help and she could see why.  With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on.

When the second boot was finally on, she had worked up a sweat.  She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."  She looked, and sure enough, they were.  It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.  She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on -- this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."  She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, "They're my brother's boots.  My Mom made me wear them."  The teacher didn't know if she should laugh or cry.  She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"  He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots." 

- AUTHOR UNKNOWN -

Chicago Bear

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Re: Christian Humor
« Reply #56 on: October 20, 2013, 04:24:42 AM »
Ill-Fitting Boots


 :laugh:  Blade! I've missed your humor. Always funny. Glad to see you back.
Either the Bible will Keep you from Sin, or sin will keep you from the Bible

Pearson

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Re: Christian Humor
« Reply #57 on: October 20, 2013, 05:35:41 AM »
Ill-Fitting Boots


 :laugh:  Blade! I've missed your humor. Always funny. Glad to see you back.

 :ditto:

Blade

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Re: Christian Humor
« Reply #58 on: October 22, 2013, 08:04:04 AM »
Thanks!

A man visited Egypt and while walking in the Desert found an old lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp to get the dust off a genie appeared and offered him 1 wish. The man thought for a minute and said, "could you build a bridge from my home in California to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Genie thought of all the work, frowned and said, "Your wish is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific!  The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it will be difficult and take a while. Do you need a little more time and think of another wish, maybe something a little less selfish?

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Genie, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how I can interest them, how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, what makes them tick, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."

After a few seconds the Genie said, "Do you want that Bridge to be two lanes or four lanes?"

 


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