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Author Topic: Christian Humor  (Read 18186 times)

Sportsnut

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #30 on: July 14, 2003, 01:48:28 PM »
Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble

      10. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
       9. Sometimes stays in bed until after 6 am.
       8. Defiantly says, "alright then, I'm geting a radio!"
       7. You come upon his secret stash of Pizza mix.
       6. Told his siblings, "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."
       5. Shows up at barn raisings mumbling about child labor laws.
       4. Was recently seen peeling out with the Buggy."
       3. He's wearing his big black hat backwards
       2. When you tell him it's a great day, He says, "Whatever!"
       
    And the number one sign your Amish teen is in trouble...
       
       1. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

Glenda

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #31 on: July 17, 2003, 11:13:10 PM »
Do you know your wifes favorite flower

Linda insisted they attend a marriage seminar on communication even though David was certain there was no room for improvement with them.

At the seminar, they listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He then addressed a husband, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

David leaned over, touched Linda's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"  :-*
And all the inhabitants of the earth [are] reputed as nothing: and he doeth according to his will in the army of heaven, and [among] the inhabitants of the earth: and none can stay his hand, or say unto him, What doest thou? Daniel 4:35

Sportsnut

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #32 on: July 19, 2003, 01:47:47 PM »
   
A prosective emplyer asked for references describing Bob Smith, and his previous employer wrote back an outstanding reference. It read:

Bob Smith, my assistant pastor, can always be found
hard at work in his office. Bob works independently, without
wasting Church time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and that he not be
rejected for this position.

* Project Leader

 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A FOLLOW- UP MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER (as follows):

...The afore mentioned Bob was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report I sent to you earlier today, and some additions were added. Kindly read ONLY the odd numbered lines (1, 3, 5, etc...) for my true assessment of him. Regards.

Sportsnut

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #33 on: July 20, 2003, 11:11:02 AM »
 
 Biblical Songs  
 
 
      Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
      Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
      Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
      Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
      Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
      Moses: "The Wanderer"
      Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
      Samson: "Hair"
      Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
      Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
      Joshua: "Good Vibrations"
      Peter: "I'm Sorry"
      Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
      Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
      The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
      Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
      Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
      Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
      Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

Glenda

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #34 on: July 21, 2003, 09:02:41 AM »
 
PAINT THE PORCH
 
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
 
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
 
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said.
 
"How much will you charge me?"
 
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
 
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage.
 
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
 
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
 
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
 
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
 
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
 
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
 
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
 ::)
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."      ::)
And all the inhabitants of the earth [are] reputed as nothing: and he doeth according to his will in the army of heaven, and [among] the inhabitants of the earth: and none can stay his hand, or say unto him, What doest thou? Daniel 4:35

Rebel

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #35 on: July 21, 2003, 07:20:11 PM »
How to stay safe in the world today :-)

     1. Avoid riding in automobiles because they are
responsible for 20% of
all fatal accidents.



     2. Do not stay home because 17% of all accidents occur in
the home.



     3. Avoid walking on streets or sidewalks because 14% of
all accidents
occur to pedestrians.



     4. Avoid traveling by air, rail, or water because 16% of
all accidents
involve these forms of transportation.



     5. Of the remaining 33%, 32% of all deaths occur in
Hospitals.  Above
all else, avoid hospitals.



     You will be pleased to learn that only .001% of all deaths
occur in
worship services in church, and these are usually related to
previous
physical disorders. Therefore, logic tells us that the safest
place for you
to be at any given point in time is at church!



     Bible study is safe too. The percentage of deaths during
Bible study
is even less.



     FOR SAFETY'S SAKE - Attend church and read your Bible . IT
COULD SAVE
YOUR LIFE




Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is
not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices
with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always
perseveres. Love never fails.  I Corinthians 13:4-8
p.s. This was sent with LOVE  to  all  my  "Retreaters."

     Grace  be  with  you  all,
                                           Rebel  <><
Until  you  find  something  worth  dying  for,  you're  not  really  living.

     "Deo  Valente"

Jeff

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #36 on: July 22, 2003, 09:21:05 AM »
A Minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute.  Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, He won! give him the dog."


Jeff

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #37 on: July 22, 2003, 09:46:23 AM »
Locked Car Door

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.

She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that her the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."

So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"

jd@

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #38 on: July 26, 2003, 01:08:41 AM »
This makes me smile, but it's also a serious indictment on the modern evangelical church.  Playing now at a church near you...



TOP TEN HYMNS OF MODERN EVANGELICALISM
 
10. Above Average Is Thy Faithfulness
9.  I Surrender Some
8.  It is My Secret What God Can Do
7.  I'm Fairly Certain that My Redeemer Lives
6.  What an Acquaintance We Have in Jesus
5.  Amazing Grace, How Interesting the Sound
4.  My Faith Looks Around for Thee
3.  My Hope Is Built on Nothing Much
2.  I Love to Talk About Telling the Story
 
And the top hymn of the modern evangelicalism...
 
1.  Take My Life and Let Me Be



jd@

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #39 on: July 26, 2003, 01:13:27 AM »
I'm very proud of my Dutch heritage.  But some of these will apply to people on this forum even if they're not.



You might be a Dutch Calvinist if:

-You finish the food on your plate in a restaurant even though it is burnt or otherwise unsuitable for human consumption.

-You have a two volume address book: Volume I: A-U & Volume II: V-Z.

-You've never skipped church to watch the Superbowl.

-Your main contribution in increased gender equality was the switch from King to Wilhemina brand peppermints.

-Your range of restaurant choice is restricted by the contents of a Buy One Meal, Get One Free coupon book that you purchased to support missionaries in Sierra Leone.

-You wipe the last of the butter out of the container with your bun.

-Your mother's hairdo is the same at your wedding as it was at hers.

-Your closet is divided into work clothes and Sunday clothes.

-Your church attendance is not disrupted by childbirth.

-Your Sunday routine resembles: church, coffee, roast beef, Jell-O salad, snooze, church.

-You have a front room but never sit in it.

-All your cookies taste like almonds.

-You make the bed in your motel room.

-The last tip you left at a restaurant was, "Don't wear so much make-up and be a little quicker with the coffee."

-You have always been to church on New Year's Eve.

-You can sing eere zij God even though you can't speak Dutch.

-Seeing raised hands during worship causes you to look around for a stick-up man.

-You are still trying to justify owning a dishwasher.

-At your wedding everyone is swaying but no one is dancing.

-You attended worship services at a campground amphitheater.

-You know what an afghan is.

-You have lace on your windows but not on your underwear.

-Your two permanent Saturday jobs are to wash the car and make sure you have enough single bills for the offerings.

-All of your recipes are adapted to fit into a 9x13 pan.

-You can't imagine a funeral reception without ham on buns.

-The usher never needs to ask you where you want to sit



judykanova

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #40 on: July 26, 2003, 01:52:49 AM »
I love these jokes.

Hey, jd@, I could identify with or at least understand all the 'Dutch Calvinists top 26' except the last one....

"The usher never needs to ask you where you want to sit"

Please elaborate.
Thanks!

judy

'For ever, O LORD, thy word is settled in heaven.'   Ps 119:89

jd@

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #41 on: July 27, 2003, 06:01:43 PM »
What??  You don't ever sit in different places do you??   :D

I spent my entire childhood sitting on the third pew form the back on the right hand side...


jd@

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #42 on: July 28, 2003, 12:05:09 AM »
THE REFORMATION POLKA
By Richard Gebel

(Sung to the tune of "Supercalifragilisticexpialid ocious")

When I was just ein junger Mann I studied canon law;
while Erfurt was a challenge, it was just to please my Pa.
Then came the storm, the lightning struck, I called upon Saint Anne.
I shaved my head, I took my vows, an Augustinian!
Oh...

Chorus
Papal bulls, indulgences, and transubstantiation--
speak your mind against them and face excommunication!
Nail your theses to the door, let's start a Reformation!
Papal bulls, indulgences, and transubstantiation!

When Tetzel came near Wittenberg, St. Peter's profits soared.
I wrote a little notice for the All Saints' bull'tin board:
"You cannot purchase merits, for we're justified by grace!
Here's 95 more reasons, Brother Tetzel, in your face!"
Oh... (Chorus)

They loved my tracts, adored my wit, all were exempleror.
The Pope, however, hauled me up before the Emperor.
"Are these your books? Do you recant?" King Charles did demand.
I will not change my Diet, sir. God help me, here I stand!" Oh...
(Chorus)

Duke Frederick took the Wise approach, responding to my words,
by knighting "George" as hostage in the Kingdom of the Birds.
Use Brother Martin's model if the languages you seek.
Stay locked inside a castle with your Hebrew and your Greek! Oh...
(Chorus)

Let's raise our steins and Concord Book while gathered in this place
And spread the word that "catholic" is spelled with lower case.
The Word remains unfettered when the Spirit gets His chance,
so come on, Katie, drop your lute and join us in our dance!  Oh... (Chorus)

jd@

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #43 on: July 28, 2003, 01:06:48 AM »
This also is rather good...



What would you do if, while traveling to work, you see
a STOP sign?


A post modernist de constructs the sign (i.e., he
knocks it over with his car), thus ending forever the
tyranny of the north-south traffic over the east-west
traffic.

A Marxist sees a stop sign as an instrument of class
conflict. He concludes that the bourgeoisie use the
north-south road and obstruct the progress of the
workers on the east-west road.

A serious and educated Catholic believes that he
cannot understand the stop sign apart from its
interpretive community and their tradition. Observing
that the interpretive community doesn't take it too
seriously, he doesn't feel obligated to take it too
seriously either.

An average Catholic doesn't bother to read the sign
but he'll stop if the car in front of him does.

A fundamentalist, taking the text very literally,
stops at the stop sign and then waits for it to tell
him to go.

A preacher might look up "STOP" in his lexicons of
English and discover that it can mean either: 1)
something which prevents motion, such as a plug for a
drain, or a block of wood that prevents a door from
closing; or 2) a location where a train or bus lets
off passengers. The main point of his sermon the
following Sunday on this text is: when you see a stop
sign, it is a place where traffic is naturally
clogged, so it is a good place to let off passengers
from your car.

An Orthodox Jew does one of two things: A) Take
another route to work that doesn't have a stop sign so
that he doesn't run the risk of disobeying the
halachah, or B) Stop at the stop sign, say "Blessed
art thou, O Lord our God, king of the universe, who
hast given us thy commandment to stop," wait 3 seconds
according to his watch, and then proceed.
Incidentally, the Talmud has the following comments on
this passage: R[abbi] Meir says: He who doesn't stop
shall not live long. R. Hillel says: Cursed is he who
does not count to three before proceeding. R. Simon
ben Yudah says: Why three? Because the Holy One,
blessed be He, gave us the Law, the Prophets, and the
Writings. R. ben Isaac says: Because of the three
patriarchs. R. Yehuda says: Why bless the Lord at a
stop sign? Because it says: "Be still, and know that I
am God." R.Hezekiel says: When Jephthah returned from
defeating the Ammonites,the Holy One, blessed be He,
knew that a donkey would run out of the house and
overtake his daughter; but Jephthah did not stop at
the stop sign, and the donkey did not have time to
come out. For this reason he saw his daughter first
and lost her. Thus he was judged for his transgression
at the stop sign. R. Gamaliel says: R. Hillel, when he
was a baby, never spoke a word, though his parents
tried to teach him by speaking and showing him the
words on a scroll. One day his father was driving
through town and did not stop at the sign. Young
Hillel called out: "Stop, father!" In this way, he
began reading and speaking at the same time. Thus it
is written: "Out of the mouth of babes." R. ben Jacob
says: Where did the stop sign come from? Out of the
sky, for it is written: "Forever, O Lord, your word is
fixed in the heavens." R. ben Nathan says: When were
stop signs created? On the fourth day, for it is
written: "let them serve as signs." But R. Yehoshua
says: ... (continues for three more pages...)

A Haredi [ultra-Orthodox "black hat" Jew] does the
same thing as an Orthodox Jew, except that he waits 10
seconds instead of 3. He also replaces his brake
lights with 1000 watt searchlights and connects his
horn so that it is activated whenever he touches the
brake pedal.

A scholar from the Jesus seminar concludes that the
passage "STOP" undoubtedly was never uttered by Jesus
himself, but belongs entirely to stage III of the
Gospel tradition, when the church was first confronted
by traffic in its parking lot.

A NT scholar notices that there is no stop sign on
Mark Street but there is one on Matthew and Luke
streets, and concludes that the ones on Luke and
Matthew streets are both copied from a sign on a
completely hypothetical street called "Q". There is an
excellent 300 page discussion of speculations on the
origin of these stop signs and the differences between
the stop signs on Matthew and Luke street in the
scholar's commentary on the passage. There is an
unfortunate omission in the commentary, however: the
author apparently forgot to explain what the text
means.

An OT scholar points out that there are a number of
stylistic differences between the first and second
half of the passage "STOP". For example, "ST" contains
no enclosed areas and 5 line endings, whereas "OP"
contains two enclosed areas and only one line
termination. He concludes that the author for the
second part is different from the author for the first
part and probably lived hundreds of years later. Later
scholars determine that the second half is itself
actually written by two separate authors because of
similar stylistic differences between the "O" and the
"P".

Another prominent OT scholar notes in his commentary
that the stop sign would fit better into the context
three streets back. (Unfortunately, he neglected to
explain why in his commentary.) Clearly it was moved
to its present location by a later redactor. He thus
exegetes the intersection as though the stop sign were
not there.

Because of the difficulties in interpretation, another
OT scholar amends the text, changing "T" to "H".
"SHOP" is much easier to understand in context than
"STOP" because of the multiplicity of stores in the
area. The textual corruption probably occurred because
"SHOP" is so similar to "STOP" on the sign several
streets back that it is a natural mistake for a scribe
to make. Thus the sign should be interpreted to
announce the existence of a shopping area.

A feminist scholar notes that all commentary refers to
"he" and concludes she is thus exempt, so she runs the
sign and is killed.

A radical feminist, observing what happened to the
first feminist, concludes this is a misogynist plot to
get all feminists killed by inciting them to run stop
signs. So she gets out of the car and stages a protest
against the inherent sexism in all traffic signs.


jd@

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #44 on: July 29, 2003, 12:46:22 AM »
I didn't write this, of course, but I've adopted it as my credo.  To paraphrase Kate Moss, nothing comes between me and my Calvinism...

TEN REASONS WHY I AM A CALVINIST

1.    Calvinists tend to wear wool and cotton. Dispensationalists tend to wear lime-green polyester leisure suits.

2.    John Calvin was French...being French is very chic.

3.    Calvin sounds like Calvin Klein...and his clothes are very chic.

4.    Calvinists can drink.

5.    Calvinists can smoke.

6.    Dispensationalists are into prophecy conferences where they talk about Star-Trek eschatology and the mark of the Beast. Calvinists have conferences on "life and culture", art, social justice and other highbrow things like that. Afterwards, we go to the local pub and talk about philosophy over a pint of Bass ale.

7.    Calvinists have close ties with Scotland and Scotland is very cool: you know --Sean Connery, the movie Highlander, Bagpipes, the Loch Ness Monster, Glenlivet 18 year old Scotch, the movie Trainspotting, etc.

8.    Calvinists think we are smarter than anybody else.

9.    It is more socially acceptable to say, "I go to Grace Presbyterian Church" than to say, "I go to Sonlife Charismatic Believers Assembly", or to say "I go to Boston Berean Bible Believing Baptist Bethel", or to say "I go to the Latter-Day-Rain Deliverance Tabernacle Prophecy Center, Inc.", or to say "I go to the Philadelphia Church of the Majority Text", or to say "I go to the Lithuanian Apostolic Orthodox Autocephalic Church of the Baltic union of 1838".

10.    Ultimately, I am a Calvinist because I had no choice in the matter.

 


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