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Author Topic: Christian Humor  (Read 17770 times)

Sportsnut

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #15 on: July 01, 2003, 07:37:43 AM »
Rebel, I like that. Here's another good one.

 A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancé, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will be put off by them." "No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful." "Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning." "No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me." Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth. Not a word," her mother affirmed. Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try. The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks, "What on earth are you doing?" "Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!"



David-desu

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #16 on: July 01, 2003, 01:11:01 PM »
The teacher said to Murphy,
 "Who knocked down the walls of Jericho?"
and Murphy replied,
 "Well it wasn't me!"
The teacher was stunned at such a ridiculous answer, so the next day the teacher visited the boy's mother, and said,
 "Yesterday I asked your son,  who knocked down the walls of Jericho and he said it wasn't him."
The mother replied,
 "If my child said he didn't kock that wall down then he didn't do it!"
The teacher was stunned at the response, so the following the teacher visited the boy's father, and explained,
 "Two days ago I asked your son who knocked down the walls of Jericho and he said it wasn't him. Yesterday I told the boy's mother and she said if my child didn't knock that wall down he didn't do it."
And the father  ;)replied,
 "Now listen here, I don't want any trouble. How much does this wall cost?"

Chicago Bear

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #17 on: July 01, 2003, 01:20:07 PM »
 :D Unlike some jokes I've read on websites, these are actually funny. Keep em Coming!
Either the Bible will Keep you from Sin, or sin will keep you from the Bible

Chicago Bear

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #18 on: July 03, 2003, 03:18:16 AM »
Here's my addition.

A professor in a Southern Seminary gave a big test to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in.

The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The following week, the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test score of 36 along with $64 change.
Either the Bible will Keep you from Sin, or sin will keep you from the Bible

Robert63

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #19 on: July 05, 2003, 04:12:40 PM »
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."


Sportsnut

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #20 on: July 06, 2003, 04:04:47 AM »
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
       
      While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights w/numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 19 year old woman stepped out.
       
      The father said to his son, "Quick, Go get your Mother."

Blade

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #21 on: July 06, 2003, 12:06:15 PM »
Five Ways to Know You Are in a Bad Church

1. When you approach, the ushers says, you have to be searched.

2. They have ATM machines in the lobby.

3. Services are B.Y.O.S. (Bring Your Own Snakes)

4. The church bus has gun racks.

5. When the spirit hits them, people start break dancing in the aisles.


Dan

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #22 on: July 07, 2003, 01:45:53 PM »
    Oh!  Oh!  I  know  the  answer  to  the  riddle.  I  scrambled  my  brains  out  trying  to  get  this  right.  Would  any  of  you  mind  if  I  shared  the  answer  or  should  I  give  you  some  more  time  to  figure  it  out  for  yourselves?
     Grace  be  with  you  all,
                                           Rebel  <><

     P.S:  Here's  another  hint:  it's  a  five-letter  word!!

     

 Is it Adder?

Rebel

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #23 on: July 07, 2003, 03:41:23 PM »
Quote
Is it Adder?

     Ooh,  you're  getting  just  a  teensy  bit  warmer!
Until  you  find  something  worth  dying  for,  you're  not  really  living.

     "Deo  Valente"

Blade

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #24 on: July 09, 2003, 06:11:56 AM »
 The Hamster and the Frog  
 
A mangy looking guy walks into a very classy restaurant and orders a steak. The waitress says: "I'm sorry, but I don't think you can pay for your meal." The guy admits, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me my supper?"
       
      The waitress, being both a Christian and compassionate, says, "Only if what you show me isn't risqué."
       
      "Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the ground and it runs across the room, directly to a piano. The hamster then proceeds to climb up the piano, and starts playing Gershwin songs.
       
      The waitress says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy sits back and enjoys a fine steak supper with all the trimmings.
       
      Shortly thereafter, he asks the waitress, "Can I have a piece of that fine blueberry pie I see on the dessert cart over there?" "Only if you got another miracle up your sleeve", says the waitress. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the table, and the frog starts to sing up a storm!
       
      A stranger from a nearby table runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the restaurant with dollar signs in his eyes and a big smile on his face.
       
      The waitress says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions!"
       
      "No", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

Bruce

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #25 on: July 09, 2003, 12:23:18 PM »
                           Find Out This Riddle

Adam, God made out of dust, but thought it best to make me first.
So I was made before man to answer God's holy plan.
A living being I became and Adam gave to me my name.
I from His presence then withdrew and more of Adam never knew.
I did my Maker's law obey, nor ever went from it astray.
Thousands of miles I go in fear, but seldom on earth appear.
For purpose wise that God did see, He put a living soul in me.
A soul from me God did claim and took from me the soul again.
So, when from me the soul had fled, I was the same as when first made.
Without hands or feet or soul, I travel on from pole to pole.
I labor hard by day, by night; to fallen man I give great light.
Thousands of people, young and old, will by my death great light behold.
No right or wrong can I conceive; the Scripture I cannot believe.
Although my name therein is found, they are to me an empty sound.
No fear of death doth trouble me; real happiness I'll never see.
To heaven I shall never go, nor to hell below.
Now, when these lines you do read, go search your Bible with all due speed.
For that my name is written there, I do honestly to you declare.

This answer is one word, found only 4 times in the Bible.




The answer to this Riddle is a Whale.

Bruce

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #26 on: July 09, 2003, 12:25:04 PM »
Finding one of her students making faces at the others on the
playground, Mrs. Smith stopped quickly to reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I
was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and it would
stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith,
you can't say you weren't warned."

Rebel

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #27 on: July 10, 2003, 03:45:13 PM »
Quote
The answer to this Riddle is a Whale

     Very  good!   :D
Until  you  find  something  worth  dying  for,  you're  not  really  living.

     "Deo  Valente"

Reformer

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #28 on: July 13, 2003, 03:26:06 PM »
Quote
"No", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."


 :)  Come on guys and ladies, don't stop now. I find most of these jokes start my day off with a smile.  ;D

Rebel

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #29 on: July 13, 2003, 04:35:02 PM »
Quote
Come on guys and ladies, don't stop now. I find most of these jokes start my day off with a smile.  
 
     Okay,  we  won't! :)


Ahh, The Light Bulb Question Hits The Religion Page

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 

How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
Change???
How many neo-orthodox does it take to change a light bulb?
No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and darkness.
How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.
How many independent fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, because any more might result in too much cooperation.
How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb, they still might not change it, to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.
How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They always use candles.
How many worship leaders who use guitars does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.
How many members of an established Bible teaching church that is over 20 years old does it take to change a light bulb?
One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they liked the old one.
How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
This statement was issued: "We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted--all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."
 
Until  you  find  something  worth  dying  for,  you're  not  really  living.

     "Deo  Valente"

 


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