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Author Topic: Christian Humor  (Read 17799 times)

Sportsnut

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Christian Humor
« on: June 22, 2003, 05:11:07 AM »
Little Rodney, 4 years old, walked down the beach, and as he did, he spied a matronly woman sitting under a beach umbrella on the sand. He walked up to her and asked, "Are you a Christian?"

"Yes," she replied.

"Do you read your Bible every day?"

She nodded her head, "Yes."

"Do you pray often?" the boy asked next, and again she answered, "Yes."

With that he asked his final question, "Will you hold my candy while I go swimming?"

Rebel

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #1 on: June 22, 2003, 08:23:16 PM »
Ha  ha  ha  ha!   :D  That's  a  cute  one.  Here's  one  I  got  from  a  website:
                    The  Pastor  and  the  Eggs

     The elderly pastor was searching his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills. He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents.

Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 45 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "WHY?" The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings.

He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.  

The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 45 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.  

She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbours for $1."  
 
"A merry heart doeth good [like] a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones."  Proverbs  17:22
     Grace  be  with  you  all,
                                           Rebel  <><

     

Until  you  find  something  worth  dying  for,  you're  not  really  living.

     "Deo  Valente"

Robert63

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #2 on: June 23, 2003, 08:36:34 AM »
Those were nice so I guess I'll add mine.


EULOGY
After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven and are all asked the same question:

 "When you are in your casket, friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I'd like to hear them say...... LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"


Rebel

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #3 on: June 24, 2003, 02:55:42 PM »
     This  one's  not  exactly  Christian  but  I  thought  it  was  pretty  funny.
       
                        The  72  "Virgins"

After getting nailed by a  missile,  Osama  bin  Laden  makes his way to the pearly gates.

There, he is greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama in the nose.

James Madison comes up next and says, "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's  knee.

"Give  him  the  bayonet!"  shouts  Stonewall  Jackson,  giving  it  to  Osama  in  the  posterior.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and sixty-five other people who have the same love for liberty and America.

As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies, "I told you there would be 72 VIRGINIANS waiting for you,  NOT  72  virgins! What did you think I said?"

"Never  mind,"  says  Osama,  shaking  in  his  boots,  "Here  comes  Robert  E.  Lee!"

     Grace  be  with  you  all  (and  lots  of  laughs),
                    Rebel  <><  (snicker!)
Until  you  find  something  worth  dying  for,  you're  not  really  living.

     "Deo  Valente"

Chicago Bear

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Spookey Exercize
« Reply #4 on: June 25, 2003, 05:56:54 AM »
This is SpookyY I promise you, but you have to do it right.
 
    * Do the following exercise, guaranteed to raise an eyebrow.
 
    * Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can!
    * Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until you've done each of them ... really.
    * Now, scroll down (but not too fast, you might miss something).
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
         Think of a number from 1 to 10
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
         Multiply that number by 9
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
         If the number is a 2-digit number, add the digits together
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
         Now subtract 5
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
         Determine which letter in the alphabet corresponds to  the number you ended up with
 
         (example: 1=a, 2=b, 3=c,etc.)
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
         Think of a country that starts with that letter
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
         Remember the last letter of the name of that country
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
         Think of the name of an animal that starts with that letter
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
         Remember the last letter in the name of that animal
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
         Think of the name of a fruit that starts with that  letter
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
         Are you thinking of a Kangaroo in Denmark eating an Orange?
 
 
 
 
 
    FREAKY Huh? Tell me what you think. Did it work?

Either the Bible will Keep you from Sin, or sin will keep you from the Bible

Diane Moody

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #5 on: June 25, 2003, 01:37:24 PM »


                  Wow! That was Freaky!!!!!!!

Rebel

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #6 on: June 25, 2003, 05:36:46 PM »
         
Quote
FREAKY Huh? Tell me what you think. Did it work?
    Did  it  ever!  I  tried  that  one  on  my  big  sister  and  it  worked  on  her  too.   ;)

     Fire  Engine
     Why  is  a  fire  engine  red?  Well  .  .  .

     There  are  8  wheels  and  4  firemen  on  a  fire  engine.  8+4=12.
     There  are  twelve  inches  in  a  ruler.
     Queen  Elizabeth  is  a  ruler.
     The  Queen  Elizabeth  is  a  ship.
     Ships  sail  in  the  sea.
     The  Red  Sea  is  the  name  of  a  sea.
     Russians  are  known  as  "Reds."
     A  fire  engine  is  always  rushin'  by  and  that's  why  it's  RED.  Good-bye!
     Grace  be  with  you  all,
                                           Rebel  <><
Until  you  find  something  worth  dying  for,  you're  not  really  living.

     "Deo  Valente"

Nikki

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #7 on: June 26, 2003, 04:48:54 AM »
This is SpookyY I promise you,

 Bear,
  That's a promise that you kept. Was I just in "The Twilight Zone?" :)

Robert63

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #8 on: June 27, 2003, 02:14:16 PM »
                            Find Out This Riddle

Adam, God made out of dust, but thought it best to make me first.
So I was made before man to answer God's holy plan.
A living being I became and Adam gave to me my name.
I from His presence then withdrew and more of Adam never knew.
I did my Maker's law obey, nor ever went from it astray.
Thousands of miles I go in fear, but seldom on earth appear.
For purpose wise that God did see, He put a living soul in me.
A soul from me God did claim and took from me the soul again.
So, when from me the soul had fled, I was the same as when first made.
Without hands or feet or soul, I travel on from pole to pole.
I labor hard by day, by night; to fallen man I give great light.
Thousands of people, young and old, will by my death great light behold.
No right or wrong can I conceive; the Scripture I cannot believe.
Although my name therein is found, they are to me an empty sound.
No fear of death doth trouble me; real happiness I'll never see.
To heaven I shall never go, nor to hell below.
Now, when these lines you do read, go search your Bible with all due speed.
For that my name is written there, I do honestly to you declare.

This answer is one word, found only 4 times in the Bible.


Robert63

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #9 on: June 27, 2003, 02:17:41 PM »
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" [Turn from your sin]

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,"Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an axe and two 38s!"

Robert63

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #10 on: June 27, 2003, 02:20:18 PM »
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

Rebel

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #11 on: June 29, 2003, 08:19:48 PM »
     Oh!  Oh!  I  know  the  answer  to  the  riddle.  I  scrambled  my  brains  out  trying  to  get  this  right.  Would  any  of  you  mind  if  I  shared  the  answer  or  should  I  give  you  some  more  time  to  figure  it  out  for  yourselves?
     Grace  be  with  you  all,
                                           Rebel  <><

     P.S:  Here's  another  hint:  it's  a  five-letter  word!!

     
Until  you  find  something  worth  dying  for,  you're  not  really  living.

     "Deo  Valente"

Nikki

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #12 on: June 29, 2003, 09:30:22 PM »
    Oh!  Oh!  I  know  the  answer  to  the  riddle.  I  scrambled  my  brains  out  trying  to  get  this  right.  Would  any  of  you  mind  if  I  shared  the  answer  or  should  I  give  you  some  more  time  to  figure  it  out  for  yourselves?
     Grace  be  with  you  all,
                                           Rebel  <><

     P.S:  Here's  another  hint:  it's  a  five-letter  word!!


Is it Bible!


Glenda

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #13 on: June 29, 2003, 11:50:55 PM »
o.k. Here's mine:

3 couples (1 presbyterian,1 methodist, 1 baptist) died and went to the pearly gates to be admitted.
  the presby couple stopped in front of St. peter and said "did we gain admittance to heaven?
St peter looked at his scroll and said, well you presbyterians like strong drink, you even married a woman named sherry, go your way.
NEXT
  the methodist couple stepped up and asked the same of St. peter, and peter replied, You methodist really love your money...you love money so much that your wife's name is penny, go your way!
NEXT
the baptist couple started to proceed, then turned back, the husband said , come on FANNY we dont stand a chance! ;D

And all the inhabitants of the earth [are] reputed as nothing: and he doeth according to his will in the army of heaven, and [among] the inhabitants of the earth: and none can stay his hand, or say unto him, What doest thou? Daniel 4:35

Rebel

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Re:Christian Humor
« Reply #14 on: June 30, 2003, 02:39:35 PM »

Quote
Is it Bible!
    Umm,  nope.  Bible  isn't  found  in  the  Word  of  God  at  all.  I  think  I'll  just  keep  y'all  guessing.   ;D

     Oh,  and  s'cuse  me  but  I've  got  an  announcement.  Ahem  .  .  .

     The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro- English."
In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly,this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favor of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replased with the 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20% shorter!

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double leters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' wiz 'v'. During ze fifz year ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kurs be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After ze fifz yer ve vil hav a rali sensibl ritn styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evriun vil find it ezi tu undrstand ech ozer.

Zen Z Drem Vil Finali Kum Tru!!

     Grace  be  with  you  all,
                                           Rebel  <><

 



Until  you  find  something  worth  dying  for,  you're  not  really  living.

     "Deo  Valente"

 


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