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Author Topic: Marriage Humor  (Read 2718 times)

Chicago Bear

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Marriage Humor
« on: July 16, 2003, 08:18:11 AM »
An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their doctor to get some help. Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice.
       
      When they got home, the wife said, "Honey, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"
       
      "Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"
       
      "Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget."
       
      "Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!"
       
      "OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.
       
      "Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem, a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."
       
      With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
       
      Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "Hey, where's the toast?"
Either the Bible will Keep you from Sin, or sin will keep you from the Bible

judykanova

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Marriage Humor
« Reply #1 on: August 07, 2004, 11:41:53 PM »
>Crochet

There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They
had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never
to open or ask her about it. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said
she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time
that he should know what was in thebox.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000.

He asked her about the contents.  "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue.
She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."

The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times
in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "That explains the doilies, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "That's the money I made from selling the doilies."
-----------------------------------

 >A Wife's Prayer:
 
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods;
Because Lord if I pray for Strength
I'll beat him to death.

Amen
'For ever, O LORD, thy word is settled in heaven.'   Ps 119:89

Blade

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Re: Marriage Humor
« Reply #2 on: January 30, 2005, 05:58:31 AM »
There was an Old Baptist administrator of marriage counciling in West Chester. He came into the offices and saw it filled with couples having problems. He decided to try something new. He first asked all the women to go with his assistant to another room. He then asked that the men form a line. He then asked the men who ruled their women to remain in line, and the men who were ruled by their women to form another line. With that said and done, the next time the administrator looked, there were two lines.

The line of men who were ruled by their women was 50 feet long, and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man. The administrator became flaberghasted and said:

  "You men should be ashamed of yourselves to be so whimpy and
   controled. Don't you know that the man is the stronger vessel
   and yet you were all dominated by your mates. Look at the only
   one here who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell
   them sir, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

Chicago Bear

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Re: Marriage Humor
« Reply #3 on: June 29, 2005, 08:03:48 AM »
A wife called her husband from jail and asked him to come down to the station and bail her out.

The husband, distraught asks why she was arrested. The wife says she was arrested for nothing, so the husband asks her to tell him exactly what happened.

The wife says she was pulled over on a routine traffic stop, and the cop said to her, "Miss your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?" The wife said she simply replied, "officer your eyes look glazed. have you been eating donuts?"


Either the Bible will Keep you from Sin, or sin will keep you from the Bible

NoMass

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Re: Marriage Humor
« Reply #4 on: February 16, 2014, 10:51:43 AM »
The 12 Golden Rules of the Wife's handbook

1. The wife always makes the rules.

2. The rules are subject to change by the wife at any time without prior notification.

3. No husband can possibly know all the rules.

4. If the wife suspects the husband knows all the rules, she must immediately change the rules.

5. The wife is never wrong.

6. If the wife is perceived to be wrong, it is a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the husband did or said wrong.

7. If Rule 6 applies, the husband must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The wife has every right to be angry or upset at any time, and for no good reason.

9. The wife can change her mind at any given point in time for any reason.

10. The husband must never change his mind without express consent from the wife.

11. The husband must remain calm at all times, unless the wife expects him to be angry or upset.

12. The wife must not, under any circumstances, let the husband know she wants him to be angry or upset.

 


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