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Author Topic: Gender Benders  (Read 4300 times)

Blade

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Gender Benders
« on: September 24, 2003, 07:05:29 AM »
Adam and Eve Humor

After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."

judykanova

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Husband Mart
« Reply #1 on: January 21, 2004, 05:02:15 PM »
 HUSBAND MART

A husband shopping center (Husband-Mart) has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men.  The store is comprised of six floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends
the flights.  

There is, however, a catch.  As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor; but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.  On the first floor the sign on the door reads: "Floor 1 - These men have jobs."  The
woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?"  So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads: "Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.  The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?"  And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads: "Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm, better," she says.  "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads: "Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework."  "WOW! " exclaims the woman, "Very tempting.  BUT, there must be more further up!"  And
again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads: "Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic treak."  "Oh, mercy me!" she says. "But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?"  So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads: "Floor 6 - You are visitor 123,456,789,012,345 to this floor.  There are no men on this floor.  This floor exists solely
as proof that women are impossible to please.  Thank you for shopping at Husband Mart and have a nice day."
'For ever, O LORD, thy word is settled in heaven.'   Ps 119:89

judykanova

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Gender Benders
« Reply #2 on: February 10, 2004, 01:56:21 PM »
EXPRESSIONS WOMEN MAY USE ON HIGH STRESS DAYS
 
1. You, off my planet.
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
5. I'm not crazy. I've just been in a very bad
mood for 40 years.
6. Allow me to introduce my selves.
7. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
8. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
9. I'm just working here until a good fast-food job opens up.
10. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
11. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.
12. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
13. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
14. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
15. I'm not tense, just terribly alert.

 ;D
'For ever, O LORD, thy word is settled in heaven.'   Ps 119:89

Glenda

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Re:Expressions for Women on High Stress Days
« Reply #3 on: February 10, 2004, 08:46:44 PM »
AHHHHHHHHuummmmmmm.......
I resemble those remarks
Thank you very much! :-\
Glenda
 ;)
And all the inhabitants of the earth [are] reputed as nothing: and he doeth according to his will in the army of heaven, and [among] the inhabitants of the earth: and none can stay his hand, or say unto him, What doest thou? Daniel 4:35

judykanova

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Gender Benders
« Reply #4 on: August 07, 2004, 11:48:07 PM »
If you're like most people, common everyday items look inert to you.  But what you may not know is that many of them have a gender.  For example:


Ziploc Bags - They are Male, because they hold everything in but you can see right through them.

Hourglass - has to be a Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

A Tire - has to be Male, because it goes bald and often it's over inflated.

Sponges - are Female, because they're soft and squeezable and retain water.

A Hot Air Balloon - is definitely a Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it .  .  and, of course, there's the hot air part.

The Remote Control - is a Female ...  .  .  Ha!  You thought it'd be male.  But consider that it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
'For ever, O LORD, thy word is settled in heaven.'   Ps 119:89

Drew

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Re: Gender of objects
« Reply #5 on: August 09, 2004, 04:10:01 AM »
These jokes are sexist.   :(

judykanova

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Gender Benders
« Reply #6 on: August 31, 2004, 01:33:30 AM »

PREGNANCY Q&A
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.


Estrogen Issues
10 ways to know if you have them 
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-"
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
8. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
9. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
10. You want the window open and it's 40 degrees outside.


Top 10 Things Only Women Understand
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN

 :)
'For ever, O LORD, thy word is settled in heaven.'   Ps 119:89

Chicago Bear

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Gender Benders
« Reply #7 on: October 11, 2004, 03:46:42 AM »
Spouse Joke

Your dog's barking at the back door. Your wife's barking at the front. Who do you let in? Well, it's your call... but the dog'll stop barking when you let him in.
Either the Bible will Keep you from Sin, or sin will keep you from the Bible

Blade

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Gender Benders
« Reply #8 on: November 22, 2004, 06:47:03 AM »
How can you tell which bottle contains the PMS medicine?

 It's the one with bite marks on the cap.


Chicago Bear

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Re: The Guys' Rules
« Reply #9 on: December 01, 2004, 06:36:53 AM »
The Guys' Rules...

At last, a guy has taken the time to write down the guys' side of the story. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

Please note... these are ALL numbered "1"  ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 5 weeks is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't  expect us to act like the guys on the soap opera you watch.

1. If you think you're fat, there's a good chance you probably are. Don't ask us for an honest answer when you don't want to hear it.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something, or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, maybe you should just do it yourself.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. ..and so do you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. ..Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or the merits of having a Hemmi engine.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape, because round is a shape.

Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping out.
Either the Bible will Keep you from Sin, or sin will keep you from the Bible

Diane Moody

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Re: Gender Benders
« Reply #10 on: December 01, 2004, 10:03:15 AM »

 ;D  I must admit, Good ones here Chicago.    :D  :D  :D  :D  :D

Blade

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Re: Gender Benders
« Reply #11 on: December 04, 2004, 09:20:05 AM »

A woman goes into a greengrocer and is looking round anxiously at a pile of oranges.

"Can I help you madam?" asks the shopkeeper.

"Well, I was looking for some fruit for my husband. Have these oranges been treated with any posoinous fertilizer or weedkiller?" she asks.

"No madam, you'll have to get that from the chemist's."

Anne

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Re: Gender Benders
« Reply #12 on: June 20, 2005, 05:19:16 AM »
How many mormons does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, their husbands do it.

 :laugh:  Remember, this is supposed to be humor  :P

 


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